Sheldon gets a lot of the best lines on The Big Bang Theory. We’ve compiled some of his most memorable quotes from Season 2 below.
I’ve got more nervous ticks than a Lyme Disease research facility.
Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad.
I drank milk that tasted funny.
Season 2, Episode 1 (The Bad Fish Paradigm)
Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word “plenty” has been redefined to mean “two.”
If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest One Potato, Two Potato — or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
You’d hit particulate soil in a colloidal suspension. Mud.
You know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should probably do a better job at screening those people out.
Season 2, Episode 2 (The Codpiece Topology)
I can’t wear different pajamas. These are my Monday pajamas.
These Hungarians — they’re just using you for dragon fodder.
Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She’s interfering with my sleep, she’s interfering with my work… and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I’m sure she’d be interfering with that too.
Season 2, Episode 3 (The Barbarian Sublimation)
I wanted a griffin… I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Of course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
I’m not insane — my mother had me tested.
Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it’d be more hygenic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Season 2, Episode 4 (The Griffin Equivalency)
I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
I’m clearly too evolved for driving.
Season 2, Episode 5 (The Euclid Alternative)
Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was fourteen. And I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.
I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery…. Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the Seven Seas.
Apparently I’m in some kind of relationship and you seem to be an expert at ending them…. I see man after man leaving this apartment, never to return.
Season 2, Episode 6 (The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem)
I trusted you with my email address and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banalities — Strike One. Touching my food — Strike Two.
Greetings, Hamburger Toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you “heart” various things.
I really don’t think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with.
Season 2, Episode 7 (The Panty Pinata Polarization)
Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock. It’s very simple. Look — scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
I’m sorry, but I’m not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I’ve seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
Season 2, Episode 8 (The Lizard-Spock Expansion)
Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.
Radiation burns — a little mishap while I was building my own CAT scanner…. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: “not a snowball’s chance in a CAT scanner.”
When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the Civil War have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future.
Season 2, Episode 9 (The White Asparagus Triangulation)
It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.
Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!
Season 2, Episode 10 (The Vartabedian Conundrum)
Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth’s yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.
The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy? Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Season 2, Episode 11 (The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis)
This is trash talk. Trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.
We don’t need Wolowitz. Engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn… do either of you know how to open the toolbox?
Season 2, Episode 12 (The Killer Robot Instability)
You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism. Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage. He could talk while you drink.
What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote don’t you understand?
Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task, so I’m going to have to let one of you go.
Season 2, Episode 13 (The Friendship Algorithm)
They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
I was wrong. Minstrels will write songs about you. There once was a brave lad named Leonard with a fie fie fiddle dee dee. He faced a fearsome giant while Raj just wanted to pee.
Season 2, Episode 14 (The Financial Permeability)
Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful — and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your brussels sprouts.
You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.
In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it’s location, location, location.
Season 2, Episode 15 (The Maternal Capacitance)
That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0000.
Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be ‘problem solved’?
Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? “Thanks for discovering penicillin — now how about we try a bouffant?”
Season 2, Episode 16 (The Cushion Saturation)
I understand your envy. This is a can’t-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bio-organic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the Non-Equilibrium Green’s Function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.
On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of Costcos, Jiffy Lubes and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.
No one calls me “Moonpie” but Mee-Maw.
Season 2, Episode 17 (The Terminator Decoupling)
Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth.
Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation — my brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
Sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.
Season 2, Episode 18 (The Work Song Nanocluster)
No, it’s not going to be fine. Change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.
I never met them. That’s what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the hall, there was no clickety-clacking of high-heeled shoes on hardwood floors. They may as well have been a family of cats, just jumping around from drape to drape. Without that annoying ammonia-urine smell.
Hold on, you honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and in return, he only need buy us a pizza?
Listen to that! Stomp, stomp, stomp. It’s Wolowitz and his stacked heels that fool no one.
Season 2, Episode 19 (The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition)
Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it “Quonko Day” and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra.
Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out his breakfast cereal without knowing his fiber requirements, or his feelings about little marshmallows.
More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Season 2, Episode 20 (The Hofstadter Isotope)
That’s preposterous! I do not resemble C-3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.
What exactly does that expression mean, “friends with benefits”? Does he provide her with health insurance?
You know, I’m given to understand that there’s an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They can replace them with new problems, like alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying one’s sexual appetite — assuming one is afflicted with such — without emotional entanglement seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.
Okay, I’m sleepy now, get out.
Season 2, Episode 21 (The Vegas Renormalization)
Smell that? That’s the smell of new comic books. Oh, yes!
You have to check your messages, Leonard. The leaving of a message is one half of a social construct, which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy.
You know, I have to say I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition. Apparently there is no law of diminishing comedic return when it comes to space poop.
For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.
Season 2, Episode 22 (The Classified Materials Turbulance)
Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say “science.”
Must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat my breakfast at 8 and move my bowels at 8:20.
That’s fourteen hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I’m effectively one of Heisenberg’s particles. I know where I am, I know how fast I’m going, but I can’t know both.
I want a cookie, Mee-Maw.
Season 2, Episode 23 (The Monopolar Expedition)