Sheldon gets a lot of the best lines on The Big Bang Theory. We’ve compiled some of his most memorable quotes from Season 4 below.
I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.
Oh, Amy’s at the dry cleaners, and she’s made a very amusing pun. “I don’t care for perchloroethylene and I don’t like glycol, ether.”
Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary — and, based on living next to you for three years –involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Season 4, Episode 1 (The Robotic Manipulation)
It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said “I think there’s a badger living in our chimney, hand me that flashlight.” Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.
A dog-o-pus can play fetch with eight balls – no one can hate that.
This is delightful. It’s much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when you remove the spectre of fiery, vehicular death.
Season 4, Episode 2 (The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification)
I should have warned you. One has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.
May I point out that for eight long months I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her callused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey shore.
Cats make wonderful companions, they don’t argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you’ll find to be quite zazzy.
Season 4, Episode 3 (The Zazzy Substitution)
Well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.
All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit for tat exchanges. Well titted! Stand by for my upcoming tat.
Season 4, Episode 4 (The Hot Troll Deviation)
I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.
Jealousy is an ugly green eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk. Who by the way also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, who you may recall is the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.
Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.
No worries. I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were “got your back, Jack, bitches be crazy.”
I assure you I’m quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Season 4, Episode 5 (The Desperation Emanation)
I always tell people if you only have one day in Los Angeles, make it a Train Day. The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring forty-three railroad engines, cars, and other rolling stock from the 1880′s to the 1930′s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at — that’s right — the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.
My sympathies. I’m no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?
For shame, Leonard, for shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good hemorrhoid cream on you.
Season 4, Episode 6 (The Irish Pub Formulation)
You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative. But your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a Federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a Merry Christmas.
I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that.
No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It’s the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe.
Season 4, Episode 7 (The Apology Insufficiency)
That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. Also, it’s really scary.
Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.
No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.
Season 4, Episode 8 (The 21-Second Excitation)
As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest guy in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine a prostate exam
You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal, which brought you five thousand years into the future. There you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine. Now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the Thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins.
Leonard. Penny. Excellent. I would like to say I’m very happy you’re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will.
Season 4, Episode 9 (The Boyfriend Complexity)
Aren’t you slicing that man’s brain a little too thin?
Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood: hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite, or, and I only include it for the sake of covering all the bases, sexual arousal.
Let me tell you why I’m calling. I’d like to know if you’d be interested in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler. Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, that is a girl’s name. Good grief, it’s like trying to talk to a dolphin.
Season 4, Episode 10 (The Alien Parasite Hypothesis)
Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against home-made cards because I made it at work.
Milk Duds, with their self-depreciating name and remarkably mild flavor, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
Amy Farrah Fowler doesn’t believe in wearing costumes. She isn’t the free spirit I am.
Don’t worry. Wonder Woman is an Amazon, and Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.
Season 4, Episode 11 (The Justice League Recombination)
I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publically flogged. But if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.
In that case, may I offer twenty-seven little tweeks to make it slightly less embarrassing?
Show of hands. All opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny?
Season 4, Episode 12 (The Bus Pants Utilization)
Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o’clock and order the same exact thing and it’s now six-o-eight, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as ‘Who let the dogs out?’ and ‘How are they hanging?’.
She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands would give us the best chance to survive in the wild.
I am Doctor Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, Phd, and SCD. OMG, right? … Perhaps that joke was a little too hippy-dippy for this crowd.
Season 4, Episode 13 (The Love Car Experiment)
Do you realize teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?
It might help if I ‘act’ as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.
Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.
Season 4, Episode 14 (The Thespian Catalyst)
… I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform.
No, no, no! I’m just here for your money. I don’t want to shake anybody’s germy hands!
If there is simply no talking to me, why did you call?
Penny, you’re an expert at trading sexual favors for material gain – walk him through this.
Season 4, Episode 15 (The Benefactor Factor)
Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Just keep in mind, if you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.
Priya, if you’re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, ‘do the dance with no pants.’
Season 4, Episode 16 (The Cohabitation Formulation)
At one point, Raj put on reggae music and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula.
I’m Sheldon. For regular readers of the New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you’re not familiar with that publication, there’s a free copy in your goodie bag.
I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
Real chili doesn’t have beans in it. But you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.
Season 4, Episode 17 (The Toast Derivation)
Howard, if I might interject here with a bit of friendly advice, is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted you’re just an engineer, but that doesn’t mean that someday you might not build a geegaw or thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
“Not knowing is part of the fun?” Was that the motto of your community college?
Where am I going to find some Uranium 235 at this time of night? Come on Craigslist…
Apparently you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and try and buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.
Season 4, Episode 18 (The Prestidigitation Approximation)
They took my battle ostrich!
Three thousand hours. Three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It’s almost as though it was a huge waste of time.
There isn’t enough chamomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.
We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.
Season 4, Episode 19 (The Zarnecki Incursion)
Wait ’til you hear how he dumbs down Werner-Eisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.
My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of K-Mart bourbon.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.
Look at you, getting me to engage in the social sciences. You’re a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.
I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
Season 4, Episode 20 (The Herb Garden Germination)
You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.
And what a civilization is the Greeks’. They gave us science, democracy and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.
In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called Cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in eighteenth century Vienna.
It’s hard to say no to Yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.
Ah, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.
Season 4, Episode 21 (The Agreement Dissection)
But wait, there’s more! I’ve also invented two new chess pieces, the Serpent and the Old Woman!
I must say, ever since you started regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.
I knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.
Season 4, Episode 22 (The Wildebeest Implementation)
Do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass has every pathogen that calls your mouth home sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your sub-tropical girlfriend.
Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?
Season 4, Episode 23 (The Engagement Reaction)
Oh, Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! My hands are magic!
This is a form indemnifying me for your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.
Please note it is past 10 pm. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses and celebratory gunfire.
Season 4, Episode 24 (The Roommate Transmogrification)