Sheldon gets a lot of the best lines on The Big Bang Theory. We’ve compiled some of his most memorable quotes from Season 5 below.
Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh boy, that’s a true blue friend.
Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with the woman you used to love, in the very place you lay your head?
I’ve decided my rank will be captain. If it’s good enough for Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo, it’s good enough for me.
For the record, I do have genitals. They’re functional and aesthetically pleasing.
Season 5, Episode 1 (The Skank Reflex Analysis)
When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.
I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.
I dislike the sound of the harp. Its overuse in classic television sitcoms always makes me think I’m going to experience a flashback from my past.
Season 5, Episode 2 (The Infestation Hypothesis)
Oh, I’m not buying anything. They’re having a lecture: “HO Gauge Railroading: Half the Size of O Gauge But Twice the Fun.” Very controversial.
All these years I’ve been so wrong. The tinier the train, the more concentrated the fun!
Season 5, Episode 3 (The Pulled Groin Extrapolation)
What, because you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game’s in serious trouble!
From here on in I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best: enlighten and amaze.
As you know, a few years ago I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public.
Season 5, Episode 4 (The Wiggly Finger Catalyst)
Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger – wouldn’t we look silly!
At this moment our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. ‘Til you either do not go, or go, to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.
One day a historian is going to come to you and say “Is it true you were friends with Doctor Sheldon Cooper?” and you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation, as you mumble “I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me no one remembers.”
Season 5, Episode 5 (The Russian Rocket Reaction)
You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my Dad the extra-large coffin.
There’s a lot of harm in trying something new! That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.
That reminds me of another saying: “You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can’t make your mother fry it.”
Penny has a lot of money tied up in promiscuity futures.
What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?
Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?
Season 5, Episode 6 (The Rhinitis Revelation)
It’s not suspicious that I’m fixating – it’s consistent with my personality.
I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on Cooper, you’re better than this!
Well, if it’s any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.
Okay, so the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable.
Season 5, Episode 7 (The Good Guy Fluctuation)
I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to the advanced and novice conversationalist.
New topic: “Women, delightfully mysterious or bat crap crazy?”
Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But, I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed, vis a vis beverages?
Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy. An action they took with no thought or regard to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.
I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny.
Season 5, Episode 8 (The Isolation Permutation)
There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on.
It’s called ornithophobia, and someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and then the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate because I have a fear of nets.
Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.
Trust me. If I had a death ray, I wouldn’t be living here. I would be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
Season 5, Episode 9 (The Ornithophobia Diffusion)
A., Comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back seventeen thousand years to the cave paintings at Lascaux, and B., You play the harp. Like that’s cool.
Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel prize and cities named after me. All four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule.
Cluck, cluck, cluck, what are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town?
I’m in the Matrix, Leonard. I see everything.
Season 5, Episode 10 (The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition)
I help the weak. It’s yet another way I’m exactly like Batman.
Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess.
Season 5, Episode 11 (The Speckerman Recurrance)
Oh, dear lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge to find his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret.
Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.
It’s after nine o’clock. At this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.
Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible I’m not boyfriend material.
Season 5, Episode 12 (The Shiny Trinket Maneuver)
Ooohhh, my life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here. I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotions, but, oh goody, oh goody, oh goody!
Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto.
I have sheep, I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?…. I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?
Season 5, Episode 13 (The Recombination Hypothesis)
Speaking of cowboys, do you know what country has, not one, but two cows on its flag? The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra. Oooh, the next classic episode of Sheldon Cooper Fun With Flags is writing itself!
Season 5, Episode 14 (The Beta Test Initiation)
Really, you’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice.
I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness – unsatisfactory. Follows direction – barely. Attitude – a little too much. Overall, not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would almost certainly spoil everyone else’s day.
Two years ago, after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus, but somehow ended up on a booze cruise to Mexico.
My apologies. I would have been here sooner, but my bus kept stopping to let other people on it.
You’re my girlfriend, but you’re not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where’d the magic go?
Season 5, Episode 15 (The Friendship Contraction)
I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.
Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
Boy oh boy. This vacation is off to a wonderful start. The smell of formaldehyde, the whirr of the centrifuge, the distant chatter of the lab animals being dispatched for dissection. I can already feel my cares just melting away.
Yes, that’s what I think, and I’m super smart so it’s probably true.
These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no logical order to eat them in.
Season 5, Episode 16 (The Vacation Solution)
President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested I can send you a link to a YouTube video that will show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Helpful hint: Trim your nails first.
As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind I propose the following: I will take Rothman’s office and you will find a way to be okay with that.
I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples rip through my shirt.
Hey gravel monkeys! If you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!
Season 5, Episode 17 (The Rothman Disintegration)
They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.
I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But for all my efforts –like the dinner schedule, the pajama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet — it’s clear now, I’m wasting my time.
Season 5, Episode 18 (The Werewolf Transformation)
She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for long.
All right, I thought the candy might not be enough, so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Umm, oh this one is for one free grammar check. You could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Oh, this is a fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center where I point out the mistakes.
Those women were prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.
You’re the one person that can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend. but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh.
Season 5, Episode 19 (The Weekend Vortex)
Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, but one hundred percent of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.
Aah! A vintage mint-in-the-box, 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter with Real Transporter Action! Hot darn!
Oooh. That’s what I always thought 1975 smelled like.
Perhaps you should look with your eyes and not your muscular Nebraska man hands.
Season 5, Episode 20 (The Transporter Malfunction)
This is Steven Hawking! Perhaps my only intellectual equal!
Try and put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs and then it turns out, there’s another human being.
Au contraire. When I correct people, I’m raising them up. You should know. I do it for you more than anyone.
If we squeeze you any tighter you might turn into a diamond.
I understand the confusion. I never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.
Season 5, Episode 21 (The Hawking Excitation)
I wish you all could be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling.
If I am to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components including tobacco, swear words, and yes – alcohol. Jeepers – that’s yucky!
Season 5, Episode 22 (The Stag Convergence)
Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin. How do you think I feel about theirs?
I must say I was surprised that you chose to spend our date night in the apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness sale. You ask anyone: that’s a hot date.
I love Strawberry Quik! It’s my favorite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto Bismol.
Season 5, Episode 23 (The Launch Acceleration)
Remarkable. In just under a half hour, two hundred metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard’s keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy is Tetris and mail order brides.
This comic book in this condition is worth at least $100. I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth $88. Which places me in your debt, and I can’t be in your debt, because someday you may ask me to help you to move, or kill a man.
The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own.
Season 5, Episode 24 (The Countdown Reflection)